I can’t say it was a busy week, since it really wasn’t. But there was a lot of internal processing and I feel like I’ve learned a lot.
First of all, I learned that I can “do” Rockpile. Not well. Not without a lot of stopping. Not without more water than I can currently carry. But I can do it. It wasn’t cry-inducing like Sweetwater Springs Road. It’s difficult (to say the least) but not impossible. I can see myself getting better at it over the next year or so. It’s just on this side of impossible, and that makes it a strangely appealing challenge. And I can envision myself willingly take on the long-term goal of overcoming it.
I remembered that I actually enjoy triathlon training. I love the varied workouts and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I like that post-hard-workout tired feeling that stays with me for the rest of the day. And how truly deliciously awesome rest days become after a long week of training.
I think I actually like swimming. OK, not like I love it. At least, not pool swimming. Last spring, I had the money and the time to take lessons and get my form worked out. And then I promptly stopped swimming. I was really worried that everything I’d learned would just disappear. And the first couple of days back in the pool last week didn’t give me confidence it would come back. But I kept at it, and during this morning’s swim something “clicked” and I felt it all come together again.
I’ve had some good conversations with a couple of friends about different things that have been hanging around inside my head for a while. It felt good to let some of them out finally. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the nature of friendship and what that means to me. The thing that I’m focusing on right now is finding that space where I can accept that people I love are broken, and that I might not be able to help them, as much as I’d like to. And to create a safe place for them in my heart without compromising my values. I guess you’d call that boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries, I’ve decided to keep this blog up on Twitter and Facebook, even though some of what I blog about here may be about people out there. And some it may not be, but they might think it is. When I first joined Facebook, I was asked by a family member who was worried about posting some personal info on FB for the whole extended family to see, whether I would censor myself one way or the other. This has been something I’ve danced around for years and years. Really as long as I can remember. Ultimately, I made the conscious decision to just be myself. I don’t post anything to twitter, Facebook, or this blog that I wouldn’t back up to anyone. If I don’t want someone to see something, I don’t post it. And then I think a while on why I wouldn’t want one specific someone to know about an aspect of my life, and that usually makes me rethink my original decision. I can see not sharing information that is extremely private. But, then again, those of you who know me very well (well enough to usually know that info) know that I don’t share that info anyway.
Ultimately, sharing or not sharing info, here or wherever, usually comes down to a question of love and respect. And I mean also a sense of love and respect for myself. And that means not giving anyone else enough power over myself to stop me from being myself fully and openly. I don’t want other people to censor themselves around me. And I don’t want to be around people who don’t want me to express myself.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t expect people to react to what I post. As long as it comes from a place of love and respect, I will gladly discuss anything with anyone.
This reminds me of a comment shared in one of my classes last semester, when we were talking about rules and guidelines in different school programs. One guy, who works at a Waldorf-inspired school said that his program basically had only two rules: 1) Be safe. 2) Be kind. Every other rule could break down to one or the other of those. That’s pretty much as simple as it can get.
Wow… that’s a lot.