It’s finally getting warm outside. I went to my dresser to pull out my collection of shorts and summery clothes. None of them fit me. Not a single pair of shorts. Which means I have to break down and buy more shorts. Which means I have to drag my fat ass to the store and try on more shorts and talk myself out of feeling upset that, yet again, I’ve gained at least a whole size (or two) over the winter.
What the fuck? No, really, what the fuck?
I don’t think I have a terrible diet. I don’t eat any fast food, or junk food, or fast junk food. I don’t drink sodas of any kind. And for the last couple of months, I don’t drink much alcohol.
Yes, I eat eggs and butter and cheese and bread. But I also eat vegetables and beans.
So, in an attempt to really get a handle on what I’m eating, and where I’m failing, I’m going to start keeping a clearer record of all the food I consume. Starting today (not counting yesterday’s once-in-a-long-while bacon cheeseburger and fries).
Breakfast: Two slices of homemade white bread (yeah, I know, next loaf I’m making is whole wheat), peanut butter and strawberry jam. A glass of iced-tea with a moderate amount of sugar.
Lunch: One slice of the same bread with slightly less peanut butter. More iced tea. A small portion of chocolate chips.
OK. So that doesn’t support my statement about either whole grains or vegetables. I’ll do better with dinner, I promise.
My dread is even if I meticulously record everything that I consume, and keep my calorie counts within the appropriate range, I still won’t lose weight.
In all my 40 years, I have only lost weight twice. And once was because of a thyroid problem, in 1988. The other was a fluke in 1993 and I suspect was still related to my thyroid. All through my triathlon training, I’ve never been able to lose any weight. And, over the last couple of years, my weight has just gone up and up and up. I know that it’s because of what I eat, and my lack of consistent exercise.
But it doesn’t help that over the last couple of years, when I have cleaned up my diet and was able to work out consistently, I still didn’t lose weight.
I’m back on the exercise bandwagon now. I’m riding regularly, and have committed to running at least three times a week, and hope to make that four times as I build back my strength.
Maybe I’m eating too much?
Maybe I’m eating the wrong things?
Maybe I’ve been letting my stress and worry about school and my future and whatever else be my excuse for not doing the thins I need to do?
Maybe it’s time to really do things differently.